Coming to Terms with Aging | The Big 4-0
I don't know why I titled this "Coming to Terms with Aging", because I'm most definitely nowhere near coming to terms with any of this nonsense. You know that saying, "Young and Wild and Free"? Well that was me. And it was not that long ago. While it doesn't feel like it was yesterday, it definitely does not feel like fifteen or twenty years ago.
I turned 40, and I'm feeling all the feels. How is it possible, that I am this age?
That I'm actually adulting? That I'm a wife? That I'm a mother?
I mean, I've had the chance to do some pretty amazing things in my life. I'm married to the man of my dreams and we have the most amazing children. We have great friends and love our family... still, adulting is crazy.
My first apartment was the party house. My roommate and I were party all night, work all day, party all night, and now... now I'm on the PTA!!! I mean, how does that happen? How does one go from zero f's given, to "PTA and Governance Council mom"?
I remember my roommate Maya, who is a childhood friend, and I would map out our fantasy land futures. "We will get married and live on the same block, our husbands will be best friends and we will be pregnant together". Not much has changed, its just that now our fantasy land plans go a little something like this "If, God forbid, we end up single in our 70, we will live in a beach house with our other single granny friends and party it up until all hours of the late afternoon, speed walk on the beach with walkers in hand, and take lots of cruises, Golden Girls / Grace and Frankie style." Oh, and our kids will be married to each other, so they will surely take care of us.
How did we get here?
I don't feel different. If there weren't any kids, or parents to take care of and worry about, I'm sure I'd be just as wild and free. I mean, maybe I wouldn't go clubbing like I once did. But I would most certainly still go bar hopping. And if I didn't have to model proper behavior for my children, I suspect I might not behave myself as one should at FOURTY!!! FOURTY!!!
Dear Lord, how did this happen?
All kidding aside, 40 came too fast. I would honestly like another 10 years in my 30's. Can we do that? Make our 30's last about 20 years? That would be nice. Can someone get on that pleases?
I look in the mirror, and I don't see me anymore. I see a middle aged woman version of me. As though someone cast me in a movie and the "make-up and effects" department has made me look slightly older. I find myself pulling and tugging at my face every time I look in the mirror "I would look just fine, if only this was up a little higher". Then I find something new that wasn't there before.
I don't see that any of my friends have aged. What I see is my childhood friends, and they look the same as they always have. The closer the friend, the less I see their age.
What I see is the person inside. The one who is young, the one who is wild and the one who they have always been. It's like a bubble where time stands still. I see them for who they are, not for how they age. I'm sure when we are 80, we'll be the same crazy kids inside. It's too bad the rest of the world won't know it.
I'm sure one day I will come to terms with aging. Just not today.