I have, what I call, "broken event depth perception". Whenever there is an important event coming up, I know the date, I'm aware of it, but I absolutely do not realize how close or far out I am from that date.
For instance, my baby boy's First Birthday is coming up, January 12th. For weeks, I have been planning and arranging, and for weeks I have thought that it was weeks away. Which is exactly what I thought today. Only, it then dawned on me that January 12th is in three days! Three days!
See? Broken event depth perception.
The realization that my little one is turning one in just three days hit me like an anvil falling from the sky. Wile E. Coyote style.
I suddenly find myself wrecked with conflicting emotions. Lots of them.
Pride and Joy
Most people say "the First Birthday is not a big deal." "A big party is just for the parents. " "The baby won't even remember it."
I beg to differ!
A baby's First Birthday is a huge deal. The first year of a baby's life is a trying one. The joys and tribulations are all mixed together twenty four hours a day, seven days a week, for a full year.
I cannot begin to convey the extreme feeling of pride that I have for my child. To have had the opportunity to be a part of this little person's growth, first inside my belly, and then here in the real world, is a Godsend. He is a Godsend.
His First Birthday completes his year as an infant and celebrates his first year of life. It celebrates his first smile, his first cry, the first grip of my finger with his tiny newborn hand. His first steps, his first everything.
Looking back at all of those firsts, I feel such intense pride and joy. I look at my little baby, and see just how much he has grown, and I am elated to celebrate his First Birthday.
His is the last First Birthday that we will ever have the honor of celebrating. Hubby and I made a decision that we are done having kids. While I completely stand by our decision, to know that I will never make another tiny human, well, it's bittersweet. Bittersweet, much like my tiniest human's First Birthday.
As proud and happy as I am that my little baby is turning one. I am also reluctant to have my sweet baby grow up. Can't he stay little for just a little while longer? Yes, its cliche, but it is what it is. Every parent feels this way.
This is the last time that I will get to see one of my babies try cake for the very first time. The last time that I will get to see one of my kids become a toddler. The last time that I will ever get to see one of my tiny ones do anything for the first time. After his, there will be no more firsts.
This was going to be the last time that I got to plan a huge First Birthday. As daunting and stressful as that is, I was still absolutely looking forward to over-celebrating my tiniest one's big day.
Unfortunately, in a very necessary turn of events, we ended up having to cancel Skyler's First Birthday party, which was due to take place on the 14th of this month. And I must admit, at first, I was relieved. Relieved to have all the pressure of throwing the perfect party off my shoulders, relieved to not have to spend hours working on decorations and figuring out goodie bags, and outfits. Relieved that we didn't have to spend a ridiculous amount of money one a Birthday that "he would not even remember."
I no longer feel relief. That sweet relief has now been replaced with a sickening, soul crushing guilt, that I am somehow failing my child.
So I tried to make it better. I decided that we would still do a smash cake and celebrate at home with just the family and the grandparentals on his actual Birthday... which is on a Thursday. A Thursday... hubby has to work, and we don't know how late. Unfortunate circumstances are also going keep my parents from being able to attend.
So now, the feeling of failing my child has grown and is completely crushing me.
I am absolutely devastated! Here he is, our youngest and last baby, our last First Birthday, and we cannot even properly celebrate it... him.
It's not just about the party, it's about celebrating our baby boy and giving him a special day. It's about having him be the center of attention for a full day. It is also a way for us to celebrate a full year of growing and getting to know our precious little man. A full year of parenthood, a full year of sibling-hood, and a full year as a bigger family.
Just feeling completely lost as to what to do and it's giving me a case of the feels.
Stay tuned. I'm sure we will figure something out. I'm just having a moment.